Spiraling

“It isn’t about you, it’s about what I need,” you say.

As I go on and on about the fear of losing control by what you ask of me.

When you lose control and can’t stand up for yourself, control isn’t a fleeting idea.

When you spiral out of control, where every decision isn’t really a decision you’re making but a reaction, control becomes all you have to keep from slipping.

Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling down.

Farther and farther down you go.

I hit no rocks,

There was no bottom.

I fell and fell and got caught on branch after branch

Get caught, gained clarity, before falling again.

I fall and fall alone in the dark…

OOPH, and there’s light, before being yanked away back into the dark.

Jolts and cracks, and falling and darkness…over and over.

Till finally enough light got through and that last branch doesn’t crack.

My arms reach up and I start to climb.

But it’s all just in that small moment when you realize that you’re head is not right.

That you first gain an inkling of control.

Control, seems so silly.

Control freak…no one understands

Like just like children playing with ants. Bringing sticks down to block their way.

An ant just trying to get back to the nest, fearful of the blocked pathways.

Fear is natural, I do not control that fear, something else I can’t control…

But I try; I try not to have fear

But fear I do not control.

Like strands of silk slipping through my fingers, no matter how much I strive to hold on to them

Realizing that you hadn’t been in control, and finally regaining it, you swear to yourself:

“Never again will I let myself lose control. Never again will I fall like that. Never again will I spiral down. Never again will I not stand up for myself.”

You don’t understand. You tell me it’s not about me…

But it’s you that doesn’t understand…you that doesn’t understand.

I don’t control my fear of control being taken from me…

But understand this:

I will not lose control again.

- Claire Hanrahan (2013)

Offensive Jokes. More Than A Joke?

I understand men see things from a different point of view, and do not see the history full of struggle. But to just blatantly refuse to see the offense in the jokes of many other tv shows and movies, and of late Seth MacFarlane, or even refuse to admit that when women are getting offended it might be legitimate.

Why must a women that is upset at being publicly degraded for over 3hrs be considered over sensitive or a "Femi-Nazi". Why can't it just be that seeing only our bodies and nothing more is offensive and/or hurts?

Is it too hard to want to be able to get a job without the manager considering if I'm hot enough or beautiful enough? But of course I can't be too "slutty". We walk such a fine line, but can never win.
We are sought after for our looks but not our brains, but when it comes down to it we must also exceed the intelligence of a man in the same field. We must be attractive, sexual but not overly, and smart. But of course only consider our body or only consider it first. If we never stand up for it then nothing will ever change.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, my schedule has been hectic. I was hoping to keep up weekly but it seems I fell down on the job. Hopefully I can start being better from now on.

So much has happened that I want to talk about but I guess I will start with being accepted.
I'm not talking about being accepted by ones peers in school, though I suppose that's something that this will mention or relates to, but how one is accepted by your friends and family when they find how much you are interested in a social cause, sexual lifestyle, or life decision.

I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I am a feminist, always have been. But after a recent experience I became much more vocal and outwardly obvious of my view. Though I do not, and never have, subscribed to very extreme feminist ideals; I find it important to read those views to greater understand and find stronger positions in my own views. To me reading the work of women such as Betty Friedan, Andrea Dworkin, and Annie Roiphe is important to see where and why the feminist movement started and how and why it has changed throughout the years.

While taking Gender & Horror Film at University, I decided to return to reading the many great feminist writers. Taking out of the library, Debating Sexual Correctness: Pornography, Sexual Harassment, Date Rape, and the Politics of Sexual Equality by Adele M. Stan. It was while reading just the introduction I found parts that I agreed with, could relate to, found shocking, or even agreed with other writers mentioned that perhaps a particular feminist view could be too extreme. It was through my many chuckles or sarcastic scoffs that M would ask, and I would explain my sound or even without him asking share what I was reading. Hoping that he would see why I read about sexual harassment, politics, women's rights and equality, and rape.  Especially rape...

M is not the only one wondering. My friends have wondered why I became so much more extreme. I think to myself, I was always thinking along these lines, but now I'm just ingesting more to further my knowledge. Is that so wrong? If so, when did learning become wrong. And because I speak up about equality more, I've become extreme, if fighting for equality makes me extreme then so be it. But why are other women so laissez faire about being considered equal?

But back to before... M finally got frustrated so to speak "Why do you constantly read about rape? Why are you so interested in rape?" He doesn't like when it's brought up, it makes him uncomfortable...and angry. I understand that, it's not a comfortable topic, but he's lucky, he's able to put that subject out of his mind. He's free to walk down the street and not have his first concern be whether the man walking towards him is going to follow him home or force him into an alley way and violate him. Men fear being mugged and killed, but very few truly fear rape. He doesn't have to hold the feelings and ideas of sexual assault in his head for any longer than it's put in there by someone or something else.
Reading about any feminist theory, sex and sexuality is going to come up somewhere. It's unavoidable. He feels that my reading about rape is weird or perhaps unhealthy. But sex, rape, and feminism is all tied together. He asks if all I read is feminist based topics, and lately it's been what I've been reading, but it's not all I read. It's what I'm in the mood for.

"So what if lately it's what I want to read, does that effect you?" I think to myself.

But I suppose it does effect him. M is a part of my life and my views of the world do have some impact on him. But it was not until M said late last night "What's the point? It's not like anything will change." I was awestruck...how can you want a daughter and not even think that maybe hoping she doesn't have to go through the same things I have, so that maybe men will understand that clucking or slapping a woman's ass on the street isn't okay.
I see his point that as long as there is violence and no peace in the world things will never change a lot. Or that as long as violence is something money can be made from that it will always be around. But what about simple equality? The right to equal pay, and not to be hired or not hired based on my attractiveness level.

I think the point of having your family and friends understand, isn't to make it so they completely understand why or even fully support it. But just so they understand that this is you, and whether they understand why or  don't like it, you will not change.

Any thoughts?

I don't have time for a long post today, but I found this and wanted to share it. It goes along, somewhat, with the post I put up yesterday.

"How we raise our sons and teach them to be men. [I want them to know] That it is okay not to be dominating, that it is okay to have feelings and emotions, that it is okay to promote equality, that it is okay to have women as friends and that’s IT, that it is okay to be whole. That my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. I remember asking a nine-year-old boy: “What would life be like if you didn’t have hear this the Man Box?” He said: “I would be free.”"   ---TED Talk: A Call To Men by Tony Porter.

What do you guys think?

Blue is for Girls and Pink is for Boys?

There are many ways to express ones-self. Painting, Drawing, Sculpture, Music, Theatre, Poetry, Sports. Everyone has their own way to show the world who they are, or even just keep it to themselves. Many don't think sports as a way to express ones-self, but it's just a different way to feel one with the world and yourself and even to show the world who you are. But that's a different topic.

I, myself, like to paint to express myself, though I do enjoy writing and music as well. But painting is my form of choice. But all that aside. Today I'm writing about poetry, about a specific form of poetry to be exact. Spoken Word.

Spoken Word Poetry is a mix of theatre and poetry. Rather than being contained to a page, these poems need to be spoken out and performed. They are not meant to be stagnant. Not to say that what many would consider typical poetry is stagnant, but it does not need the verbosity that spoken word poetry does. I have never participated in spoken word, but I admire those that do. One poet speaks to me more than others. Contemporary Poet and well known Spoken Word Poet Sarah Kay.

I was introduced to her years ago, but recently I stumbled upon her poetry again. And found a new found love for her, and now finally decided to write about it. My first introduction to her was a TED Talk where she performed the poem "If I Should Have a Daughter" and then spoke about spoken word and her journey.
 

Her poem and speech (embedded above) led me to search for more of her work. It inspired me to not stop creating, no matter how difficult it is, or how much I'm not sure what to create. After listening to this, I went and searched for more and more of her poetry and each time Sarah Kay speaks to me.

She talks about a student that was so stuck in her thought that she couldn't write poetry, but eventually found her muse and wrote her very own poems. I think this is a problem for many people. I think that lots of people feel that they don't know how to be creative. I didn't really think about this until a guy mentioned something in class. He said "girls are better and cutting and pasting and creating than guys are." And that got me thinking...."I don't think that is something innately different among men and women. I think that's learned."

Learned....that wasn't the right word and yet it is. As children we learn what is normal and what is not according to society and even if it's not conscious it is still taught to us. As we grow up girls are encouraged to draw, create, and have explore their imagination; while boys are encouraged to play outside. But if the reverse is sought after, the child is almost told that it's wrong to be that way. Society plays such a strong roll in who we are. It may not be a bad thing, but sometimes I think it hinders who we allow people to be. If we see a guy in art school so many people think he's gay. Why? Because arts are for girls. Well guess what...men dominated the art world for years and still do for the most part. Women had to fight for their space in art. We need to stop letting what is "normal" dictate how we encourage our children. I hope that one day if and when I have a child, whether boy or girl I let them follow their interests and put aside the "social norm."

The so called norm isn't always right. Boys can do ballet and girls can play ice hockey. And no matter what that does not make them weird, or different, or gay, for that is irrelevant. It just makes them a person, nothing more.

What's In A Name? That Which We Call A Feminist.

I'm all for gender equality among men and women in any region of the world. In the workplace, home life, politics, ect. I don't know what I would call myself. Many a times I've been called a feminist or even called myself one. But what does that word actually mean. It wasn't until I took a class called Post Modern Women Literature and Art till I really asked that question.

To different people it means different things, different types of people whose goal is gender equality. To some the word 'feminist' is negative, that a women that is a feminist hates men, and wants women to have power over men. When people feel that way many times I hear that term "feminazi." To others feminist just means someone striving to end the gender inequality, the pay differences, the laws that limit women, or just the views society places on the role of women.

As for me, I'm just a women that's trying to stay afloat in this world. And right now it's a scary world with everything that is going on and the future holds many secrets. But one thing I am sure of is that I don't think women should be pressured into any role. A women should have a choice of what they want their life to be. Women should get paid just as much as a man should if they have the same job and that society shouldn't pressure girls and women to be and act like someone they aren't. No women should have to play the 1950's housewife, stuck at home with the kids, relying completely on the husband for money.
Maybe women have certain skill sets that men do not, and vice-versa, but that doesn't make them any less of a human being. I'm also not saying that if a women chooses to be a housewife that's a bad thing. But I'm saying a women should have a choice and not feel pressured to get hitched and start having kids and then quitting whatever job or career they had because that's what society says is "right." I'm saying there should be a choice that one doesn't feel guilty for making. Because it's our life, and the decision should be ours and made with those we love, care about and is involved in that life.

If any of that makes me a feminist then so be it. But maybe I'm just a women that wants equality among all peoples, and perhaps there just isn't a perfect fitting label for that.

Anyway, that's me guys. I don't know how often this blog will be updated, I think I'm gonna go for major posts once a week and minor interests in between.