“It isn’t about
you, it’s about what I need,” you say.
As I go on and
on about the fear of losing control by what you ask of me.
When you lose
control and can’t stand up for yourself, control isn’t a fleeting idea.
When you spiral
out of control, where every decision isn’t really a decision you’re making but
a reaction, control becomes all you have to keep from slipping.
Spiraling,
spiraling, spiraling down.
Farther and
farther down you go.
I hit no rocks,
There was no
bottom.
I fell and fell
and got caught on branch after branch
Get caught, gained
clarity, before falling again.
I fall and fall
alone in the dark…
OOPH, and
there’s light, before being yanked away back into the dark.
Jolts and
cracks, and falling and darkness…over and over.
Till finally enough
light got through and that last branch doesn’t crack.
My arms reach up
and I start to climb.
But it’s all
just in that small moment when you realize that you’re head is not right.
That you first
gain an inkling of control.
Control, seems
so silly.
Control freak…no
one understands
Like just like
children playing with ants. Bringing sticks down to block their way.
An ant just
trying to get back to the nest, fearful of the blocked pathways.
Fear is natural,
I do not control that fear, something else I can’t control…
But I try; I try
not to have fear
But fear I do
not control.
Like strands of
silk slipping through my fingers, no matter how much I strive to hold on to
them
Realizing that
you hadn’t been in control, and finally regaining it, you swear to yourself:
“Never again
will I let myself lose control. Never again will I fall like that. Never again
will I spiral down. Never again will I not stand up for myself.”
But it’s you
that doesn’t understand…you that doesn’t understand.
I don’t control
my fear of control being taken from me…
But understand
this:
I will not lose
control again.
- Claire Hanrahan (2013)
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